PHILADELPHIA – Following the Philadelphia Flyers’ morning skate, coach John Tortorella held a press conference to detail his hatred for press conferences.
“I asked you all to come here today so I could tell you how much I don’t want to do this”, the Philly bench-boss began. “I would much rather never see another reporter, again, and yet, once more, I am forced to endure your presence due to your honouring of my request that you attend.”
“Next question,” Tortorella added.
The Flyers coach particularly addressed his frustration with the presence of video equipment. “I am especially annoyed to discover that many of you members of professional television organizations opted to bring television cameras”, he added, before pausing to allow an intern to touch-up his makeup.
When queried as to why he wouldn’t just answer reporters’ questions with simple and calm responses that generate no attention, the coach suggested he was the victim of psychological manipulation. “Don’t you think I’m trying to do that? But I keep getting hypnotized by that red ‘recording’ light that keeps blinking!”.
“Seriously, that’s the only logical reason I’d say the things I have. Why else would I risk the controversy that would come from condemning Colin Kaepernick, or supporting Ivan Provorov? Because I like the attention?” asked the Stanley Cup winner, before taking a moment to look around the room and inquire as to the presence of Larry Brooks. “He’s not around here, is he? I’d really hate it if everyone saw me get into an argument with that guy.”
Tortorella also accused journalists of sabotaging his career. “Why do you think I’ve been let go by Tampa, New York, Vancouver (remember that one?) and Columbus! It’s so hard on me emotionally that I’ve been forced to spend my downtime taking mental health breaks at TSN!”
“If someone didn’t know better they’d think my entire career was carefully designed around retiring to an 8-figure salary at ESPN with- I dunno- full medical, stock options and maybe a signed jersey from Shaq?”
In closing, the former Lightning and Rangers skipper had one final admonishment for the gathered press.
“I definitely better not see this on the Sportscentre Top 10! I’d be almost as angry as I would be if it’s not number one!”
Jesus Christ is King
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