Politicians Explain Why Criticizing Israel Should Be Illegal

“If you’re going to criticize Jews, it needs to be super-explicit devil-horn or space-laser stuff, fully divorced from their nation-state.”

“Well, really, criticizing anything that has power should be illegal.”

“Hey, whatever it takes to keep dividing Democrats like this before the 2024 election.”

“I originally viewed the conflict with nuance, but then I drew so many circles on my whiteboard that by the time I was done I was a full-blown Zionist.”

“Making it a crime to criticize Israel should be obvious. What we really need to do is make it illegal to criticize a guy for covering up sexual abuse while acting as the assistant coach for Ohio State’s wrestling team from 1987 to 1995.”

“I watched Don’t Mess With The Zohan and shit my pants just thinking about that guy coming after me.”

“The IDF made me promise I wouldn’t frown within 10 minutes of saying the word Israel.”

“Because it’s anti-Semitic, duh. And why is it anti-Semitic? Because it’s criticizing Israel. See how that works?”

“My chunky necklaces command me to support the apartheid state.”

“It is my belief that criticism of anyone should be illegal. Criticism in general is just plain mean.”

“If pro-Palestine supporters want free speech, they can form a corporation.”

“Criticizing anything that gives us an ethnostate armed with nuclear weapons smack dab in an oil-rich region should be punishable by firing squad.”

“Look, if I’m muzzled to serve the interests of U.S. imperialism, average citizens should be too.”

“Israel has the best bombs, and anyone who criticizes bombs is a sick, sick puppy.”

“It should be made illegal as a flimsy pretext to imprison dissidents, duh.”

“Because America is a Christian nation, and Jews are porkless Christians.”

“Because no one actually cares what Americans think. We need to set aside this selfish belief that the Unite States is the center of the universe and finally admit that Tuvalu is the supreme world power.”

“Why would you criticize Israel if Israel has never criticized you? Be nice!”

“T-Bone lives in Tel Aviv.”

“If the majority of the nation disagrees with what I’m doing, that’s how I know I’m doing my job right.”

“Israel is my wife. I’d do anything for my beautiful wife.”

“Because my brain hurts from trying to think of anything smart to say as a rebuttal to valid criticisms.”

“I got paid a lot of money to say that and also that the new Papa John’s Shaq-a-Roni pizza is a slam dunk.”