SHEBOYGAN, WI—Squinting as she braced herself to face the sharp winter gale head-on, local sturdy Midwestern gal Angie Czajkowski reportedly shielded the rest of the nation from a strong gust of wind Friday. According to all 335 million Americans huddled behind the burly 5-foot-4 woman, Czajkowski used her big, broad shoulders to absorb the blast of cold wind, even going so far as to remark that “this is nothing compared to ’94” as she blew on her mittened hands and continued to wait for the bus. Despite wind speeds of up to 40 miles per hour, the populace confirmed it felt no more than a slight breeze, with the freezing air bouncing off the substantial Wisconsinite’s full-length down parka and blowing straight back toward the lake. The fully sheltered U.S. residents went on to observe that Czajkowski, with her natural brick-wall body shape, held a lower center of gravity than most, and they expressed admiration for her sensible choice of merino wool socks. At press time, Czajkowski had reportedly invited the nation to warm themselves around the fresh-out-of-the oven casserole she was carrying.
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