Hemmingford, QC – Local apple farmer, Bud Timberson, just finished the last of his deliveries for the season and he’s quite excited about it. “Well my back hurts, my feet hurt, but overall it was a great year.” Continued Mr. Timberson, “Now comes the good part – It’s time to sit back, relax, and come up with somewhere in the range of 40 to 60 thousand new apple varieties.”
“It’s an apple farming tradition,” explains Lucy “Granny” Smith, President of the Apple Guild of Eastern Canada. “Every year, apple farmers and hobbyists across the globe spend the downseason creating more new apple varieties than anyone could possibly care about. Seriously. No one cares anymore. There could be a new apple variety that cures Eczema and it wouldn’t matter. Hell, there probably is.”
Cosmic Crisp, Snowflake, Ruby Frost and Arctic Golden, are just a few of the latest apple varieties you’ve never heard about and will probably go your entire life without tasting.
“There are other fruits too, y’know!” proclaimed Theresa Bonhomme, the produce curator for a local independently-owned grocer. “I’m up to my shoulders in apples and they want me to carry more,” she continued “Why can’t apples be like bananas. There are two types of banana – Regular ones, and the regular ones we say are organic.”
Theresa thinks the industry has gone much too far, and that people are catching on.
“They lost everyone’s trust with Red Delicious. It’s red,” she added. “But it sure as hell ain’t delicious…”
“There are bound to be haters,” explains Peter Mysner, CCO at the Group for Apple Legacy Advancement, or GALA for short. “We’ve received all sorts of threats from the plum industry… I mean, It’s not my fault your trees don’t take well to hybrid pollination and your fruit has a less-than-enthusiastic cult following.”
Peter had to cut our interview short after an emergency GALA meeting was called.
“Sorry, I need to head down to the Core Room. We have a situation,” Mr. Mysner explained. “There’s a cold war going on. Not many people know it, but there’s a cold war going on between Macintosh and Honey Crisp.” He gave no further comment.
Sources from GALA and the Apple Guild of Eastern Canada have since confirmed the cold war, and one anonymous source tells us there are rumors a blue apple is currently in development at a highly classified orchard somewhere in Northeastern Ontario. At this time, the Beaverton is unable to authenticate the claim.
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