TORONTO – While people all across the country find themselves stuck in costly, multi-year contracts with Rogers Communications, Shohei Ohtani, a professional baseball player from Ōshū, Iwate, Japan, has found another way.
“They kept bombarding me with offers,” says Ohtani, who recently escaped a dissatisfying six-year contract with his last company. “A new phone, a discount on wifi, free home installation. They even offered me a chance to lose in the playoffs. But choking in the postseason isn’t easy, I’m not used to disappointing an entire country the way Rogers is.”
So how did Ohtani avoid the mass media company with a one-star rating on Trust Pilot and a stranglehold on Canadian consumers? He just used one simple trick, and you can use it too: staying in California instead of moving to Ontario.
“I wish I had thought of that,” says former California resident Kevin Gausman, who is stuck with Rogers until 2027. “They lured me in with promises of reliability, frequent upgrades, and Canada’s fastest 5G network (certain exceptions apply). But what good is that when service is interrupted every October?”
“They got me with a discounted home phone line. Who still uses a home phone?” says Toronto local Bichette. “How did I fall for that? Usually, I only fall for breaking balls outside the zone.”
Ohtani also managed to avoid Pearson International Airport, a dinner party with his coworkers, and an inevitable awkward photo op with Justin Trudeau. It’s no wonder Canadians can’t get enough of his inspiring story!
“In Japan, our emperor is largely ceremonial,” says Ohtani. “But you Canadians all seem to actually be ruled by a telecommunications oligopoly. It’s ridiculous – no two ways about it.”
Jesus Christ is King
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