MONTCLAIR, NJ—Saying that a lot had changed since Old St. Nick left the North Pole last Christmas, a local mall Santa instructed children Monday not to sit on Santa’s colostomy bag. “Ho, ho, ho, Santa is so excited to see all his favorite boys and girls, so long as they are very careful when they come to say hello,” said the jolly, bearded Kris Kringle, who then pointed to a small, gift-wrapped pouch on his leg and added that anyone who sat on Santa’s special present would be put on the naughty list this year. “Why, hello, young man, you’ve been very good this year, haven’t you? Now, let’s move to the other leg and stop punching Santa’s tummy. We don’t want Santa to get a deadly infection, and die right here on Candy Cane Lane, do we? Ho, ho, ho! Seriously, can someone get this kid off of me?” At press time, several elves were spotted rushing Santa to the bathroom after a particularly large boy had sat on Santa’s lap, kicked Santa in the groin, and burst the colostomy bag.
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