Conservatives Explain Why They Refuse To Commit Crimes In ‘GTA’

“I believe in the death penalty for all crimes, real or simulated.”

“I want to set a good example for the other characters in the game.”

Crime costs the taxpayers of Leonida billions of dollars each year.”

“Why commit crimes that you can’t frame Black people for?”

“You can commit crimes? I thought it was just a city driving simulator.”

“I would love to, but alas, I cannot. The Hippocratic oath says, ‘Do no harm.’”

“To be an off-putting role model to my children.”

“I tried not to, but as soon as I started the game, there was a ticket from the GTA meter maid on the windshield.”

“Killing and torturing people should only be done to spread democracy.”

“My mega-cunt stepmom won’t buy it for me.”

“When I played Grand Theft Auto V, I made Michael get a 9-to-5 sales job.”

“To attract an elegant lady, one must act as a gentleman.”

“As a police officer myself, it just feels weird shooting at cops who are white.”

“Every time I try, my penis becomes erect and swats the controller right out of my hand.”

“If you sin in a video game, you sin in real life.”

“I won’t play any driving game that doesn’t encourage players to bring their vehicles in every 3,000 miles for an oil change.”

“The technology behind GTA VI is so advanced that I believe there’s a high likelihood these characters have souls. In that case, I would burn in hell forever for killing them.”

“I think Moses made it very clear that the Ten Commandments apply to video games.”

“I want to set a good example for any kids I may have fathered in the 2D world.”

“I accidentally chose to play as the innocent little lollipop-carrying sailor boy and can’t figure out how to change it.”

“First I go around to all the NPCs and convince them to let me handle their wills, then I do the killing.”