Pope Francis Excommunicates Apostle Paul Over Outdated Views On Women, Marriage

VATICAN CITY — The Catholic Church announced this week Pope Francis has excommunicated the Apostle Paul over the latter’s outdated views on women, families, and social issues.

“We regret to announce Saint Paul is no longer a member of the Catholic Church,” a statement from The Vatican reads. “Paul’s problematic teachings on so-called traditional families and women have no place in modern Catholicism.”

The move comes after Pope Francis openly condemned Paul for his biblical statements on the importance of gender roles and traditional marriage.

“We regret we placed this deeply misogynistic and homophobic man on a pedestal for 2,000 years,” said Francis to reporters. “Forbidding women from preaching, condemning homosexuality, telling women to be chaste, modest, and quiet in church? I’m literally shaking just thinking about it. Paul’s continued defiance of modern Catholic sensibilities will no longer be allowed.”

At publishing time, the Pope had announced an additional inquiry against Saint Peter on the Apostle’s continued insistence that people repent of their sins.

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