White Man Can’t Help But Feel Like Spanish Music Playing In Department Store Is Talking About Him

SAN DIEGO—Staring directly at the speaker so it knew he was onto it, local white man Sam Vance told reporters Monday he felt like the Spanish-language music playing in a Macy’s department store was talking about him. “I can’t make out what he’s saying, exactly, but I’m getting the nagging suspicion that the Mexican singer on the loudspeaker is making comments about me,” said Vance, explaining that while he might just be paranoid, whatever the music was saying about “mi corazón” felt targeted. “It’s something about the tone of the Spanish interlude that makes me think they’re saying stuff they don’t want me to understand. Wait, what the fuck did he just say about my cucaracha?” At press time, reports confirmed Vance had demanded the manager fire the speaker.