Churchgoer Pledges $700 Million In Tithes With $1 Per Year To Be Paid For Next 700 Million Years

BEAUFORT, SC — Local man Josh Reynolds officially pledged today to tithe $700 million to First Baptist Church of Beaufort, which he explained will be paid out as one dollar per year over the next 700 million years.

“I’m really proud to have made the largest tithe pledge in all of church history,” said Reynolds as he placed in his one-dollar bill. “Just think what the church can do with my $700 million.”

While some argued that Reynolds’ arrangement does not really fit the traditional understanding of tithing, Reynolds defended the validity of the pledge. “Yeah, it’s called ‘tithe deferment’, it’s totally legit,” explained Reynolds. “There’s nowhere in the church bylaws that says a tithe pledge cannot be extended for an indefinite number of years. It’s a great deal for everyone — the church has lots of flexibility to seek other people’s tithes right now, while knowing that I’ll be tithing right on through the next ice age.”

According to locals, Reynolds held a miniature press conference to announce the historic tithe pledge, which he has called the “Ohtani plan”. Though a few friends reminded him that his physical body would be dead some 699.9999 million years prior to the end of his pledge, Reynolds has so far remained confident that his health would remain good for the duration of the contract.

At publishing time, a fellow congregant had announced a “Bobby Bonilla” tithe pledge that promised continued tithes even decades after leaving the church.

Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction
Babylon Bee