KEARNY, NE—Hearing tell of vast deposits of liquid gold free for the taking, California prospectors faced with drought in their state reportedly began rushing to the Midwest this week to pan for water. “Well, I’ll be damned—we’ve hit the mother lode,” said a dust-covered Jefferson “Wild Eyes” Tibbs, falling to his knees at the first sight of the sparkling expanse of the Platte River in the plains of Nebraska, where, according to sources, his fellow sojourners clicked their heels and threw their hats in the air with glee. “The rivers here are so rife with water you can almost see them glistening from a mile away. Heck, it’s practically falling from the sky out here. I could take a dang bath in it and still have plenty leftover. Grab your sieves, boys—it’s time to mine ourselves a fortune.” At press time, several prospectors were seen dueling over an enormous block of ice that had formed on the surface of the river.
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