Embarrassed Family Drags Screaming, Sobbing Dad Away From Home Depot Rake Section

EMERYVILLE, CA—Warning him to calm down by the count of three, a local family reportedly dragged their screaming, sobbing father and husband away from the rake section at an area Home Depot on Thursday. “Robert J. Heinemann, I’ve had just about enough of your whining—you know good and well we didn’t come here to buy a rake,” said a stern-looking Patricia Heinemann, who grabbed her fuming, red-faced husband by his upper arm and marched him away from the lawn care department as his wailing demands for a new rake echoed through the aisles of the home improvement retailer. “Listen, mister, you have plenty of tools at home, including a perfectly good rake that you almost never use. Keep this up, and you’ll be grounded from riding the mower this weekend. You know, I was going to see if you wanted to stop and get some beer on the way back, but now that you’ve made a big scene, I think we’d better head straight home. Are you happy?” At press time, sources confirmed Heinemann had been sent to his room without being allowed to watch any History channel.