DES MOINES, IOWA — Local police have taken in the man who reportedly entered the Iowa State Capitol and reigned destruction upon the satanic statue of Baphomet, cutting off its head epically and gloriously with a chainsaw. According to law enforcement, the man said his name was “Doom Guy”.
While local authorities debated on whether or not it was constitutional to remove the demonic statue on display in the Iowa capitol building, it seems Doom Guy had his own interpretation of those constitutional principles: if it looks demonic, it’s getting a double-barreled dose of justice.
“I was just out for a walk when suddenly a rift tore through reality and out walked this behemoth of a man wearing head-to-toe green armor and armed to the teeth,” said one bewildered onlooker at the Capitol. “Next thing I knew, he just started blasting and slicing this huge goat-headed thing to smithereens! Also, there was this inexplicable, thunderous roar of aggressive heavy metal riffs echoing through the air, intensifying the chaos.”
When Doom Guy was asked by police what his motive was for ruthlessly and utterly decimating the demonic shrine without mercy, he simply replied, “Rip and tear, until it is through.”
At publishing time, the Iowa Police Department announced that Doom Guy had escaped his cell and was headed on a collision course straight for the biggest demonic stronghold on Earth, also known as Washington D.C.
Police added that the suspect is heavily armed, exceedingly dangerous, and has acquired a BFG 9000.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.
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Babylon Bee
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