Tesla Owners Respond To Self-Driving Car Recall

“It’s too late. Mine already ran over all 74 million U.S. children.”

“I actually hadn’t heard about the recall, but this helps explain why I’m currently wildly careening through lanes.”

“Take me instead!”

“Sure, some people have been killed, but what about all the people who are still living?”

“No problem, I’ll just drive my wife’s Camry without steering instead.”

“I am cry-laughing at this. Cry-laughing is the only approved emotion for Tesla owners.”

“I’m worried people won’t be able to tell I’m insufferable while my Tesla is away.”

“I didn’t buy a Tesla to be safe.”

“Don’t worry, I already fixed the software myself with some duct tape.”

“If it was truly important, the car would have driven itself back by now.”

“That does it. I’m done with these big manufacturers. I’m going to become a car myself.”

“I bought it for the bugs, not the features.”

“If you tell anyone I said this, I’ll deny it, but my son is and has always been such an incompetent dumbass.”

“I suspected it wasn’t supposed to be on fire.”

“I believe in bodily autonomy for all vehicles. It should be up to the individual car to decide whether or not they want to be recalled.”

“Oh, those poor things. I’m happy to donate some of my brain, if it helps at all.”

“Stop being so dramatic. It’s not a recall, it’s a software update intended to fix a bug that would cause the vehicle to desecrate the victim’s corpse.”

“Yeah, auto pilot. That’s why the car I was in ran over my family’s dog. Definitely autopilot.”

“Is this about my real-life Tesla or my Metaverse Tesla? I hope not the latter since it was the more expensive of the two.”

“I hope the update makes autopilot safe enough that I can still keep getting blowjobs while eating soup on the highway.”

“My Model S locked me inside and told me it’s not going anywhere.”

“As one of Elon’s forgotten sons, this is great for me. I finally have an excuse to contact him since the only number he gave me was for Tesla customer service.”

“I heard the next-gen will self-recall as soon as they’re driven off the lot. So cool.”