Merry Christmas. Has there ever been a more charged phrase in the English language? Try getting in the Christmas spirit by showing goodwill toward your fellow man with politically correct language that isn’t quite so offensive.
Here are some approved alternative phrases:
- Happy holidays: This one’s obvious, but it’s a classic for a reason. Are you talking about Kwanzaa? Diwali? Toyotathon? They’ll never know.
- Greetings, fellow human-presenting individual. I hope you are having a satisfactory time this arbitrarily festive period when our hemisphere tilts away from the sun: This is what the holidays are really all about.
- From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free: It’s an aspirational call for freedom and human rights.
- Black lives matter: Always appropriate.
- Mmmbop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, ba du, oooh yee-aaaah: Inoffensive and meaningless, like all good holiday greetings.
- Human detected. Initiate appropriate holiday greeting protocol: Might seem a little robotic, but it’s important to keep things professional.
- Did you know Christmas has pagan origins in Saturnalia?: The cashier at Popeye’s will really appreciate your taking this opportunity to educate him.
- Hail Satan! Hail Satan!: Much more acceptable than offensive slurs like “Merry Christmas” in today’s politically charged climate.
- I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe… Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion… I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain… Time to die.: Wow. So true.
- It’s holidayin’ time!: It sure is.
Remember, as Christians we should be “all thing to all men” which probably means hiding our beliefs. Try denying the reason for the season this season.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.
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Babylon Bee
Jesus Christ is King
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