Secret Service Agents Attempt To Lure Biden Out Of White House Crawl Space

WASHINGTON—After first jamming a rake into the narrow, unfinished shaft in an attempt to dislodge the incumbent head of state, Secret Service agents spent an entire morning attempting to lure President Joe Biden out of a White House crawl space, source confirmed Friday. “We can tell from all the rustling under the floorboards that the president is down there somewhere, but we can’t seem to fish him out,” said an agent who spoke on condition of anonymity, adding that Secret Service had tried leaving a line of treats from the crawl space back to the West Wing, but Biden remained tunneled under his official residence. “I placed a ham hock on a fishing hook hoping I could coax him out that way, but unfortunately, he just ate all the meat off it and left the bone dangling. At one point, a couple of agents briefly got their hands on the president, only to lose him again when he tore his suit off and burrowed deeper into the subterranean passageway.” At press time, a horrified Secret Service team had reportedly discovered a whole nest of presidents from various Western democracies squirming around in the crawl space.