WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Capitol janitorial service made the executive decision to deep clean the Congressional hearing rooms today with military-grade flamethrowers.
“Lysol isn’t going to cut it,” said head of janitorial services Donovan Miller. “Light it up, boys!”
According to sources, the Capitol janitorial services discussed several options to address the Congressional offices before settling on torching the place. “We considered attempting to submerge the entire place in bleach,” explained Miller. “Ask yourself though, even if they were bleached, would you sit on those chairs? In the end, we had no choice but to burn it to ashes.”
Though the team started with the Congressional meeting rooms, the team burned down the remainder of the Capitol to be safe. “Incinerating the gift shop may have been a bit overkill, but we weren’t taking chances,” said janitor Max Dorian. “There is a level of grossness and infectivity when you’re better off starting over from scratch. It was kind of cathartic, to be honest.”
At publishing time, the British had thanked America for doing the respectable thing and burning down their own government this go-around.
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