GAZA — After the discovery of a sprawling network of underground terror tunnels used by Hamas, it was announced that the IDF was preparing to flood the tunnels and then use comically oversized wooden mallets to whack Hamas terrorists on their heads as they popped out of the openings of flooded tunnels.
“2,000,000 wooden mallets are ready, with a million more on the way,” said Joseph Ben-David, spokesman for the IDF. “Our plan involves flooding the tunnels, at which point our soldiers will take turns bonking the terrorists as they poke their little heads out of the holes. To help keep soldiers on task, we are offering a special price to whoever gets the highest score.”
In response, Hamas has demanded a full cease-mallet in exchange for all remaining hostages. For now, the IDF is calling its bluff and has been hard at work developing other fun and creative ways to root out enemy combatants. “We thought about playing ‘Last Christmas’ by Wham! On a continuous loop to get them to come out,” Ben-David said, “but that was deemed to be too cruel of a tactic. It seems the mallet idea is our best bet.”
In addition to the formation of Mallet Squads, a subset of the Israeli Special Forces, several scoreboards and ticket dispensers are also being constructed. “There will be stuffed animals and other toys available,” Ben-David explained. “Whack a terrorist, go home with a stuffed Netanyahu doll. What could be better?”
“I mean, other than peace obviously. But this is good, too.”
At publishing time, with IDF forces preparing the giant mallets for deployment, the United Nations expressed concern over the future use of carnival game tactics in war.
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