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Man Calls Around Looking For Donation Center That Will Come Pick Up Bulkier Sperm

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CLEVELAND—Explaining that he had no way of transporting it to the drop-off location even if he wanted to, local man Jason Gardner told reporters he spent Tuesday calling around looking for a donation center that would come and pick up bulkier sperm. “The truth is, I’ve got some perfectly good spermatozoa, but I can barely pick it up myself, let alone lug it down my stairs and shove it into my car,” said Gardner, adding that if he somehow managed to find a moving truck big enough to hold his load, he still wasn’t sure a standard center would accept it. “It’s so annoying. I can’t tell you how many organizations try to restrict the size of a sperm donation to a single cup. But the fact is, there’s definitely someone out there who is less fortunate than me who could absolutely use my seed. The last thing I want to do is just throw it out, or leave it on the curb. This stuff is valuable.” At press time, Gardner was reportedly despondent after a donation service showed up to take the sperm but ultimately had to leave when they couldn’t fit it through the door.

The Onion

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