Man Tragically Unaware He Possesses Among The Top 5 Most Beautiful Assholes In America

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—Going about his daily life completely oblivious to his exceptional gift, area man Daniel Clark remains tragically unaware that he possesses one of the top five most beautiful assholes in America, sources confirmed Thursday. “Every single day this man wakes up, goes to work, and comes home without the slightest bit of knowledge that his asshole is one of the most aesthetically pleasing assholes out of millions across the country,” reported sources, explaining that Clark often volunteered for charities, went to church, and spent time with his family, all the while utterly ignorant of the fact that he was harboring a five-star golden asshole. “He doesn’t and probably never will know what a magnificent, gorgeous asshole he has. If he were to know what a grand asshole he owns, maybe he wouldn’t be so depressed all the time. Unfortunately, this man’s brilliant, exquisite, perfectly smooth asshole is unlikely to be recognized until long after his death.” At press time, sources said Clark had begun acting like an asshole immediately upon learning that he had an incredible asshole.