AUSTIN, TX –In an auto recall of unprecedented scale, the electric car maker Tesla is set to offer free updates for 2,000,000 cars in the US and Canada but insists this doesn’t mean that they’re recalling ALL their vehicles, noting in an email that drivers are allowed, even encouraged, to keep the ones that exploded due to previous safety problems.
The impacted vehicles are being updated because of a failure to prevent the misuse of the company’s proprietary “Autopilot” feature, saying drivers were mistakenly using it as an Autopilot feature.
“Autopilot” is just a name,” explained a spokesperson from Tesla’s Safety Office. “We don’t expect people to turn it on, hop in the backseat, and make love to their passengers. It’s really only supposed to be used as a driver’s aide. Maybe you could reach second base while using it, third if you’re the recipient, but we don’t encourage more than that.”
The company’s famously combative CEO, Elon Musk, made light of the recall. “It’s not a recall!” he posted on X, one of his other troubled companies. “Recalls are when you take the car to the dealer and they fix something for you, and because we don’t have dealerships or anything else that useful, that doesn’t happen. You’ll just have to continue being dumb enough to trust us when we say we took care of the problem.”
Tesla was very careful not to admit to a wholesale recall of their vehicles. “There are lots of cars not being recalled today,” said a press release. “The ones that exploded because we didn’t obey safety rules, those are fine. Also the thousands that people ordered but never received their cars – those don’t need to be fixed. Yet.”
The recall was communicated to Tesla’s customers via the vehicles’ onboard messaging system, which is broken, and over X, which is also broken, by the CEO Musk, who is famously broken.
No Tesla owners agreed to comment because they didn’t think Elon would like it if they talked to a reporter.
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