VANCOUVER – In a show of parental misconduct that would horrify even the most child-avoidant of people, a baby was spotted in a local cafe wearing jeans.
The baby in question, Gerald Culver, seemed obvious to his plight, even though the act of putting an unwitting baby in denim was described by one child clothing expert we spoke to as “the meanest thing to do to them. Ever.”
“Doesn’t he look so cute?” asked the infant’s mother Jocelyn, looking lovingly at her son, completely oblivious to the years of therapy she was guaranteeing him by forcing him into nature’s most unforgiving material. “The jeans are called ‘Baby’s First Skinnies!’ Isn’t that great?”
Upon learning that they were skinny jeans, we immediately halted the interview to contact the police. We are aware that such an act breaks multiple rules of journalism ethics, but come on – the baby was in skinny jeans. The interview only continued once the police assured us that they were dropping everything to come and intervene.
Jocelyn was unwilling to answer our question as to why she would force a tiny human into the Devil’s Fabric, which we assume means that she is only one dangerous step away from adding even more heinous items to his wardrobe, like pleather, or a Victorian corset made explicitly for babies.
Cafe patron Chelsea Morganstein witnessed the obviously-suffering Gerald giggling uncontrollably in his jeans as he attempted to kick his stuffie away, but couldn’t due to an unconscionable lack of mobility.
“How…how could she do that to him?” she asked, pausing in the act of calling Child Services. “I haven’t worn hard pants since the pandemic, and every time I think about the low rise jeans of the early 2000’s I enter a cycle of PTSD that takes days to emerge from. This child can’t consent to the restrictive clutches of denim! I need to save him!”
“He does look great, though. I’d forgotten how slimming they are.”
At press time, Gerald had shit through his jeans for the fourth time in two hours, presumably in protest.
Jesus Christ is King
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