WASHINGTON—As they took note of the winter solstice’s arrival on Thursday, sources across the Northern Hemisphere reported that this day, their so-called shortest of the year, remained just as excruciating as all the rest. The North Pole may have achieved its maximum tilt away from the sun, but this has reportedly provided no reprieve whatsoever from the crushing weight of life, despite multiple news organizations, scientists, and pagans stressing the fact that for half the planet, the day was the shortest of all 365 this year. Regardless of how briefly the sun was in the sky, sighing residents confirmed the day seemed to drag on endlessly, with little difference made to the abject existential misery that plagued their every breath. According to reports, the gloomy populace sighed at the empty promise of brighter days ahead, stating that meaninglessness is the only consistent aspect of the human condition. However, at press time, sources under the covers said the promise of slightly abridged daylight did give them the incentive they needed to not even bother getting out of bed today.
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