CALGARY – Reports indicate that Aunt Ruth has decided to get into the festive spirit this Christmas by regifting you the COVID infection you gave her last year.
“Normally, I’m not a fan of regifting. I prefer to get people thoughtful, personal presents,” says Aunt Ruth, whose previous gifts to you include a candle with a visible discount sticker, a Wine Aunt sweater, and a handshake. “But once I took off my mask despite my obvious symptoms – I mean, I unwrapped the gift – and I thought, may as well kill two nephews – I mean birds – with one stone.”
Aunt Ruth contracted COVID from you last year after you returned home for the holidays with an infection, chalking your symptoms up to bad takeout or an allergy to your mom’s new throw pillow. While your bout cleared up within a few days, Aunt Ruth’s lasted as long as it takes her to hang up a phone call.
While it’s possible you contracted your latest COVID infection by going maskless at numerous crowded indoor events or failing to get your latest booster, the evidence strongly suggests this is the exact COVID infection you gave Aunt Ruth last Christmas.
“There is simply no mistaking it,” says infectious disease specialist Uncle Bob. “The head-splitting migraine. The debilitating body aches. The complete loss of taste in music and home décor. This is absolutely the same infection.”
Due to social mores and the existence of antibodies, you will not be able to re-regift the infection to Aunt Ruth this holiday season.
Your other options include bringing it to the office to share with your co-workers, passing it on for Secret Santa, or simply staying the fuck home until you’re better.
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