WHOVILLE, AB ― Reports from Whoville, a remote town outside Banff, indicate that its most famous resident has returned to his old domicile on a cold mountaintop on the outskirts of town.
After several attempts to get an interview were rebuffed on account of general bad-temperedness, the Grinch reluctantly agreed to comment. “Recall when I learned Christmas doesn’t come from a store? Well, online ads have shown I had it right before.”
“Neighbours and roast beast: I don’t think that’s a big ask. But price-matching makes dinner a tedious task. In my day, beast cost a third of what it does now. Turns out joy isn’t priceless, it’s four bucks a pound. It’s profiteering: we’re not talking duck or lamb here. For that, I could get dafflers enough for a year!”
The most recent data supports the Grinch’s observations. As of November, the monthly inflation rate of snoof and fuzzles was 4.3%, while tringlers and pantookas are going up by a whopping 6.8%.
The Grinch went on to explain other factors that detract from the simple joy of Christmas. “The plant-based beast requested by youth nowadays costs even more, and nobody ever helps pay. Greeting and thank-you cards aren’t the same over text. ‘Christmas’ or ‘holidays,’ just don’t say it on X (formerly known as Twitter).”
Much as he doesn’t want to sound like some old Grinch, the now 119-year-old Grinch also complains that Gen Z Whos either don’t really want anything, or ask for extremely expensive and specific tech. This makes gift-giving less fun than in the past, when he could toss gift boxes at random all over town, without damaging some delicate screen or hearing complaints about incompatible charging ports.
Although the Whos are a little disappointed in the Grinch, many have been understanding, admitting they themselves also find the holidays tiring, and that holding hands and singing in a big circle with your neighbours now seems “really awkward and a little creepy, when you think about it.”
Jesus Christ is King
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