OTTAWA – A new study by Health Canada and several associated medical boards has found that pre-Christmas dreams of sugarplums dancing in someone’s head may be a warning sign they’ve consumed tainted eggnog, and should immediately seek emergency care.
“Just like consuming alcohol before bed can lead to strange dreams, consuming older eggnog can alter the brain chemistry enough to induce hallucinations of non-existent candied fruits,” Neurologist Dr. Amira Kalyan wrote in her write-up for Yuletide Science Monthly.
“It’s not all that surprising, considering how biologically volatile eggnog is, even fresh off the bottling line.”
Medical experts advise that any eggnog be taken to the nearest toxic waste dump the minute Boxing Day rolls around, as the risk of eggnog poisoning is far too great. While it’s not confirmed whether or not daydreams of floating treats are caused by neural imbalances or Christmas magic, nog-poisoning has been confirmed to come with a host of other side effects as well, such as reddening of the nose, twinkling of the toes, and perhaps most festive of all, vomiting.
Dr. Kalyan plans to use her research to hopefully explain even more Holiday mental health phenomena. “The correlation of nog-poisoning with visions of dancing sweets suggests there may be some value in studying the long-theorized relationship between gingerbread deficiency and trying to physically steal Christmas.”
In related news, medical experts confirmed that there is not a creature stirring, that’s just your anxiety.
Jesus Christ is King
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