OTTAWA – With Christmas only days away, thousands of young Canadians prepare to journey home and visit a quality of living that they will never possibly hope to afford.
Across the entire nation travellers in both the Millennial and Gen Z cohorts are preparing for annual holiday visits with a level of affluence, purchasing power, and overall comfort that they will never know in their adult lifetimes.
“There’s really nothing like it, flying across the country in the crowds and finally landing safe and warm on the doorstep of this level of incomprehensible affluence,” recounts Edmund Talley, who shares a Toronto 3-bedroom apartment with five roommates. “Each Christmas when I arrive home everything looks exactly the same, except for that one year they got a home equity line of credit and built an addition on the back of the house with a heated indoor jacuzzi. Time flies!”
Still, Talley reports that visits home can also be emotionally fraught. “Obviously we try not to talk about religion, or how mom and dad paid just $80,000 for this house in the late 80s when dad was the assistant manager at an Esso and sole breadwinner of the family,” Talley recounts. “But by the time the turkey is on the table we’re inevitably discussing how the house is worth $1.4 million, and how a commensurate mortgage now would take me five lifetimes to pay off.”
“Still,” Talley added wistfully, “it’ll be nice to make some memories visiting this standard of living before I fly back to my own place in Toronto’s ‘Little Garbagetown’ neighbourhood.”
Kyah Simms will soon drive from her basement apartment in Vancouver’s East side to visit her parents’ 4 bedroom split level in suburban Kelowna. “Every year I look forward to reconnecting with a pantry stocked with brand name snacks, as opposed to nothing but instant ramen and mold.” Simms reports plans to bring back a package of Double Stuffed Oreos, to prove to her skeptical roommates that they are in fact a real product.
While many young Canadians report an eagerness to spend as much quality time as possible cleaning dishes in a dishwasher and sleeping on a bed frame that wasn’t scrounged from a sidewalk, others report apprehension about visiting an unattainable standard of living.
“Every year at the holidays it’s the same old fight, between me and my parents’ new home theatre system,” notes Emily Wu of Calgary. “I haven’t watched a single TV show this year that wasn’t on my tiny cracked phone screen, and now I have to go five rounds with the new 80-inch TV my dad bought with his annual bonus.”
“Also, what is an ‘annual bonus’,” Wu added, perplexed.
At press time, every aging parent is preparing to spend the holidays asking what’s stopping you from giving them grandchildren already.
Jesus Christ is King
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