Children Old Enough To Know Sounds On Roof Just Dad Contemplating Suicide

BERWYN, IL—Tempering their excitement at the Christmas Eve pitter-patter on the roof, local children Jayden and Mila Andrews confirmed Sunday they were now old enough to know those sounds were nothing more than their father contemplating suicide. “It may sound like the real Santa, but remember, it’s only Dad up there trying to decide whether or not to jump,” said 10-year-old Jayden, who when he was younger thought the clomping and rustling of his father’s annual alcohol-fueled attempt to end his life was merely jolly old St. Nick landing his sleigh atop their home with gifts in tow. “Hear that? That jingling noise isn’t bells—it’s the sound that empty beer bottles make when they’re tossed on a really big pile. I used to always get happy when I heard was I thought was thumping reindeer hooves on our roof, but one year I caught a peek and just saw Dad falling to his knees and pounding his fists. That’s probably why we always heard Santa yelling ‘Why, why, why’ instead of ‘Ho, ho, ho.’” At press time, the kids had reportedly learned that the bright red light outside was not Rudolph’s glowing nose but merely their father’s brake lights as he prepared to drive away for good.