OTTAWA – According to local sources, Santa Claus has reached out to 33-year-old receptionist Stephanie Bauer after noticing she’s slept right through the last several weekends.
“Ho, ho, ho! You don’t appear to be very jolly!” read the Christmas card that arrived in Bauer’s mailbox this week. “Seasonal affective disorder is no laughing matter!”
Sources report the card’s artwork featured a reindeer huddled in a blanket and gripping a bottle of candy cane flavoured whisky in its hooves as it gazed forlornly out the window at a cold and snowy winter night.
“I haven’t spoken to Santa in over two decades, and suddenly he’s back in my life and concerned about my mental health?” Bauer told reporters. “I don’t know how I feel about that.”
While Santa Claus declined to comment, analysts noted that his unique abilities give him a tremendous amount of power that’s potentially open to abuse.
“Obviously he sees us when we’re sleeping, and he knows when we’re awake,” said University of Ottawa psychology professor Grant DeSmith. “But thanks to modern computing power, his elves can now crunch his vast reams of sleep data into actionable health reports. Of course, whether any private entity should have access to all that information is another matter entirely.”
“Christmas isn’t so merry when you oversleep and get fired, is it?” read a follow-up parchment sent to Bauer. “Adults aren’t normally on my list, but I could drop off some Zoloft… in exchange for a few of your delicious sugar cookies and a nice, cold glass of milk, of course. You wouldn’t mind giving me a glass of milk, would you?”
When Bauer wrote back asserting that her mental health was no business of an immortal present deity, Santa said he was “just trying to help” and that there’s no need to be such a “whiny little Grinch” about it.
“Now I’m depressed and creeped out,” Bauer said. “I fucking hate the holidays.”
At press time, an especially naughty depressive was reading a shocking letter from Santa encouraging him to just swallow a bunch of pills and get it all over with.
Jesus Christ is King
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