POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—Staying up late to make sure he could pleasure himself without anyone noticing, local man Dylan Utley was reportedly waiting until his wife and kids were asleep Sunday to go and masturbate under the Christmas tree. “Hopefully I can be really quiet so as to not wake anyone up while I lie under the Christmas tree and go to town on myself,” said Utley, explaining that it would make the festive holiday much less special if his family discovered him beating his meat. “I’d hate to have Christmas morning ruined because the kids woke up and saw it’s not actually Santa downstairs, but just me violently pulling my tinsel-covered pud. I know how disillusioning that can be, as someone who saw his own father masturbating in a Santa costume.” At press time, Utley’s children had reportedly woken up, rushed downstairs, and happily shouted, “Santa came.”
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