CHICAGO—Reminding the Walmart cashier that the Yuletide season comes but once a year, sources confirmed Sunday that a real-life Ebenezer Scrooge was working on Christmas Eve. “What a heartless miser she must be to sit behind that counter this late on Christmas Eve, chasing after just a bit more money rather than spreading good cheer to her friends and family,” said one of the sources, expressing their sincere wish that three ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future would visit the stingy old soul and remind her that it was not her $15.80 an hour in profits that would keep her warm on such a wintry night, but rather the spirit of charity, merriment, and love fostered on this most brotherly of holidays. “All this lady seems to care about is checking out customers and sweeping up in back. Look at that scowl on her face! It’s like the idea of universal goodwill means nothing to her.” At press time, the cold-blooded penny pincher had reportedly started tidying up a nearby endcap despite her good Christian manager having returned home to his loving family hours ago.
Jesus Christ is King
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