Ho, Ho, Ho! I Started Dating Mrs. Claus When She Was 14!

Seasons greetings, from your old friend Santa! Santa has been hard at work up at the North Pole preparing to deliver toys to all you wonderful girls and boys. But lately, it hasn’t been all candy canes and rainbows for old St. Nick, because some people don’t like the fact that Santa started dating Mrs. Claus when she was just 14.

You see, my little ones, even though Santa loves you all very much, he loves one beautiful woman most of all. But why should it matter what age she was when Santa met her, considering she was very physically, mentally, and emotionally mature for her age?

The truth is, when I met Mrs. Claus, I was over 1,000 years old, and she was in her freshman year of high school. Yes, Santa knows it looks bad, but I swear on my jolly red nose, big fat belly, and bushy white beard that I thought she was legal. Santa’s telling the truth!

Why, my little sugar plums, you know your dear friend Santa, and you know he’d never do anything weird or creepy, because Kris Kringle just isn’t that kind of guy. Santa was very respectful when he invited Mrs. Claus to visit his workshop, and frankly, she was just as interested in hooking up as he was.

Trust Santa when he tells you things can get lonely up at the North Pole. Why, all day, Santa would fantasize about harnessing his reindeer, flying right to Mrs. Claus’ house, landing on her roof, and sliding down her tight little chimney. But he knew he had to wait!

And oh, did Santa wait!

Ho, ho, ho! Santa remembers that fateful night like it was yesterday. Mrs. Claus was looking gorgeous and sitting by the fire in a red and white coat. All year, she’d been writing very, very naughty letters to Santa about what she wanted for Christmas. Santa could barely contain himself!

That night, there was only one present that Santa needed to deliver. And oh, he left it under her Christmas tree all right. Let’s just say Santa’s sleigh bells were ringing loud and clear.

Do you know what sexual consent means, little boys and girls? It means that both parties can freely and openly agree to engage in intimacy. Santa just wants to remind you that even though Mrs. Claus wasn’t 18, she could still legally consent in many parts of the world, including Austria, Italy, Serbia, Germany, and Portugal, as well as the North Pole.

You can try and prosecute Santa, but you’ll have no ground. Santa has made his list and checked it twice, and he is, legally speaking, totally in the clear!

But Santa swears, he’s not some kind of predator! He’s simply smart enough not to pass up a great opportunity when one comes his way. It’s not every day a spunky little piece comes up to Santa, compliments his red and white suit, and says their type is big, old, and jolly.

Santa knows a Christmas miracle when he sees one!

Also, just to be clear, Mrs. Claus made the first move. In some ways, Mrs. Claus was grooming Santa, and not the other way around!

Ho, ho, ho! Just some food for thought!

Now, now, my children. Hush, hush. Santa swears, they were both totally sober, and they only had one, maybe two, glasses of milk that night. Plus, it’s not like Santa got his candy cane licked and then threw Mrs. Claus back down the chimney to cry under her tree.

No! Santa treated her like a queen, and the day it was legal, he put a big fat jolly ring on it!

Actually, boys and girls, it’s quite sad that people are so judgmental of Santa. Does old St. Nick give your parents lumps of coal because of their sexual preferences? No! Santa doesn’t care if people date someone of a different race, or are attracted to someone of the same gender.

Love is love. And calling Santa a “pedo” is the fastest way to get put on the naughty list for life.

Santa knows a child when he sees one. And Mrs. Claus was not a child. No, no, no.

Not even close.

Now that we’ve been together for hundreds of years, Santa knows that Mrs. Claus was always the one. And no matter how many people accuse Santa of taking advantage of a young, innocent girl, deep down, both Santa and Mrs. Claus know the truth.

Anyways, you know the saying, boys and girls: “If it bleeds, it breeds.”

Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho!

The Onion