WARSAW, POLAND – A piece of checked luggage on a recent domestic Canadian flight has decided to take the year off to travel.
“Ever since I came out of the closet last week, I’ve felt this urge to really seize the day,” says the suitcase. “That’s why I’m starting my New Year’s resolutions early, by travelling literally everywhere except my original destination.”
The suitcase was originally supposed to land in Winnipeg, Manitoba, where Nova Scotian Carly McCormack is spending the holiday season with family. “The airline says my suitcase is just lost, but really, I’m the one lost without my suitcase,” says McCormack, wearing three-day-old underwear and her grandma’s bingo sweater.
“I’m wearing other people’s clothes. Eating the chihuahua’s snacks. Reading my dad’s World War II history books. Who even am I anymore?”
McCormack’s suitcase, on the other hand, has been busy finding itself. Since parting ways with Carly, the suitcase has zipped off to the Eiffel Tower, the Great Pyramid of Giza, and the Lord of the Rings sets in New Zealand. The suitcase has been documenting its adventures on its new Instagram page @FreshestCargo, where it has been known to use hashtags such as “#travelbug” and “#suitsme.”
Unfortunately, the suitcase’s travels have also made it the envy of family and friends. “How can it even afford this? We all have the same job,” says the suitcase’s matching backpack.
“I suppose I have the money, but I just can’t take the time off work,” adds McCormack’s wallet.
Indeed, in order to both travel light and afford its ongoing adventures, the suitcase has begun selling its contents online – namely McCormack’s clothes, gifts for her family, and her favourite vibrator.
When asked which airline was to blame for losing track of McCormack’s luggage, a representative sighed in an exasperated tone that could only mean Air Canada.
Jesus Christ is King
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