WASHINGTON—Using his platform to plead for Americans to lend him a hand, President Joe Biden addressed the nation Monday while hanging from a branch on the side of a cliff. “Our democracy has never before hung in the balance more than it has at this moment when I am in danger of plummeting 50 feet to those sharp rocks below,” said Biden, who implored the U.S. populace to set aside its differences and find a long stick, a rope, or, preferably, a helicopter that they could use to return him to stable ground. “What’s important is not what led us to this point, but rather how we choose to move forward in helping me back up. Even a carefully placed mattress or pile of sofa cushions would do. My fellow Americans, I urge you to act fast, as a small bird has landed on my head and is now pecking at me.” At press time, a Gallup Poll had found that 70% of Americans opposed Biden being rescued.
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