NEW YORK—Enrapturing the nation with his well-pressed trousers and matching jacket, a man in an impeccably tailored suit, allegedly with a pocket square and everything, urged Americans to invest in the stock market, sources confirmed Tuesday. “This man, with his crisp, white shirt and perfectly fitted pants obviously knows what he’s talking about,” said local resident Greg Wall, immediately dumping his life’s savings out of a glass jar onto the table to do what the fancy man said in hopes of someday also owning a nice pair of socks that don’t slide down the calf. “That must be one of those fine Italian suits that only real important people can afford—and if the way to get one is to invest in the stock market, then count me in! I’m going to fork over everything I got so I, too, can put a scrap of silk in my blazer’s pocket. Hot damn, this guy’s the real deal—even his shoes match!” At press time, the nation was conflicted after a wise-looking man who smelled like cigars told them to invest in real estate.
Jesus Christ is King
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