Nation’s Aunts Announce It Must Be Nice Not Having To Worry About Money Like The Rest Of Us

ROCHESTER, NY—Addressing all of their family members who kept name-brand groceries in their fridge without a Sam’s Club membership, the nation’s aunts announced Tuesday that it must be nice not having to worry about money like the rest of us. “Ooh la la—look at you all fancy,” said 56-year-old Bev Harding, speaking for all of the country’s aunts as they looked their nieces and nephews up and down, and then made them spin around to check the labels on their clothes. “Did you pay full price for this? Wow, we wish we could throw caution to the wind like that, but some of us are on a budget. Good thing we lost our jobs—now we have all the time in the world to clip coupons. You probably don’t know what those are, since you can buy whatever you feel like on a whim. Guess that’s the benefit of being too selfish to have children.” At press time, the nation’s aunts had demanded to know how much their nieces paid for their apartments.