Professors Explain Why They Are Fleeing Florida

“My dissertation topic is now illegal, so.”

“It was easier to teach history when I was allowed to acknowledge that it began before 1981.”

“They’re making me teach a version of Beowulf where he says the Pledge of Allegiance halfway through.”

“You’d be surprised at how many planets Ron DeSantis has a problem with.”

“The county I live in recently banned what they called ‘the suspicious practice of electricity,’ so I’m hoping there will be some colleges in nearby Georgia where I am allowed to light my home.”

“The only reading I’m allowed to assign are Tiger Woods’ biography and a novelization of Bad Boys II.”

“A posse of moms walked me to the state line.”

“I’m actually fleeing for a variety of crimes unrelated to the teaching climate.”

“I have to teach that slavery was not only beneficial, but so beneficial that white people are owed reparations.”

“All tenured faculty are being replaced by an alligator in a tweed jacket with elbow patches.”

“They kept forcing me to assign Mein Kampf to read as math homework.”

“They got me! I’ve been faking this whole climate change thing all along. Time to move onto a more gullible state.”

“Nothing to do with the politics. I thought I’d get a great tan here, but it turns out I just freckle and burn.”

“I said ‘biodiversity’ in one of my lectures, and the assistant dean of students came into my classroom and punched me in the face.”

“I just don’t feel comfortable shooting students who act up.”

“Students kept interrupting class to stand up and say, ‘I am a Christian.’”

“My department head told me I would be subject to monthly ‘grooming audits,’ which doesn’t sound like a good use of my time.”

“They keep calling my subject ‘witch science.’”