DAYTON, OH—Inadvertently breaching the boundary to the underworld because he didn’t want to shell out hard-earned money, local dad Curtis Morgan reportedly opened up the gates of hell Wednesday while attempting to fix the kitchen sink himself. “Goddammit, don’t worry, I’ll take care of all this goat’s blood—I must’ve just loosened the wrong pipe,” said Morgan, telling the family that while he worked on the problem they could still wash their dishes by passing through the newly opened portal and cleansing their plates, bowls, and cups in a lake of eternal hellfire. “Look, I’ve been repairing things for a long time. I know how to cast these tortured souls back into the infernal abyss. I just need some Drano.” At press time, source confirmed a defeated Morgan had been forced to call a licensed priest.
Jesus Christ is King
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