Climate Scientists Urge Switch To Renewable Psychic Energy Of Frail, Bald Child

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that the newly discovered resource was our only hope to save the planet, climate scientists urged the public Thursday to switch to the renewable psychic energy of a frail, bald child. “After years of research, we can confidently say that the only way to avert climate disaster is to harvest the powers of a hairless, pale 8-year-old who is currently being kept in a glass containment chamber,” said researcher Andy Lachett, adding that the boy, known only as Test Subject XVI, had no family, no voice, and could produce enough energy to power a large city. “For too long, we as a species have relied on toxic sources of fuel like coal and oil, even though this otherworldly boy who can levitate, lift thousands of pounds with his mind, and see events in the future has been here all along. All we need to do is connect him to electrodes, make him incredibly angry, and torture him until his nose bleeds. Once we suck every volt of electricity from his body and he collapses to the floor, motionless, we’ll be unstoppable.” At press time, Lachett and his fellow climate scientists were under fire after the small bald child escaped his enclosure, killed several researchers, and destroyed their lab in a Chernobyl-level explosion.