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NEW YORK—Dismissing the long-awaited unsealing of court documents related to Jeffrey Epstein as “underwhelming,” sources reported Thursday that the list of so-called elite perverts lacked star power. “Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew, David Copperfield—what kind of cabal are they running here?” said sources who acknowledged that, while they may have been impressed by the list 10 years ago, today they merely felt expected and stale. “It reads like the cast of a VH1 reality show. And why are they all old white baby boomers? Where are all the Gen Z pedophiles? Why can’t they give us the name of someone actually relevant, like Timothée Chalamet or Pedro Pascal?” At press time, sources added that they were most of all disappointed that the documents hadn’t been marked with any mysterious spatters of blood.
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