BRATTLEBORO, VT—Making the bold assertion with no discernible evidence, local child Jayden Mitchell was unreasonably confident he’d make a good horse, sources confirmed Friday. “Look, I’m not saying he’d make a terrible horse, but I think it’s a little arrogant of him to just assume he’d make the best horse in the whole wide world,” said Jayden’s father, Ray Mitchell, noting that simply eating carrots and saying “neigh” over and over “does not a horse make.” “I mean, he’s fine at prancing, sure, but the kid is only 40 pounds. He’d have to gain a thousand pounds just to be an average-sized horse. I’d like to see him try to pull a carriage. Not a fucking chance.” At press time, Jayden Mitchell had proven everyone wrong by competing in and winning the Kentucky Derby.
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