Scandal As Chris Christie Mentioned Over 50 Times In Unsealed Sizzler Documents

MISSION VIEJO, CA — A new scandal erupted just days before the Iowa Caucus as former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was forced to address fresh revelations that his name had appeared over 50 times in newly unsealed Sizzler documents.

In the records provided by the buffet-style steak, seafood, and salad bar restaurant, Christie’s now-unredacted name appears dozens of times for violating a variety of buffet line rules. “Scandal is the politest word one can use to describe the Sizzler documents,” said political expert Dr. Blake Rumsey. “They say he used to fill drink cups with blue cheese salad dressing and slurp it down like a milkshake. Christie is alleged to have walked table to table asking for other patron’s french fries after demolishing the buffet supply. One entry says he requested to have a doggie bag filled with ranch dressing poured over his mashed potatoes and steak. He was into some weird, twisted stuff.”

Still out on the campaign trail in New Hampshire this weekend, the former governor attempted to deflect questions on the subject. “I’m not here to discuss rumors and innuendo,” a defiant Christie said to reporters when asked about how often he had visited Sizzler. “The American people are looking for a leader, and you’re asking me about this? I have nothing to say about Sizzler and their delicious food at this time. I have no comment about high quality, all-you-can-eat shrimp, nor about well-prepared steak cooked in unbelievable quantities. Is there a Sizzler in New Hampshire?”

At publishing time, Christie reportedly denied remaining in the primary race simply to use donor money to finance daily trips to lunch buffets.

As the country slowly increases in racism and right-wing bigotry, it’s important to ensure you don’t get caught up in their evil MAGA ways.

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Babylon Bee

Jesus Christ is King