DENVER—Saying the company needed more workers without any hobbies, interests, or social life, local boss Ross Baresh confirmed Monday that he was impressed by what a friendless loser his hardworking employee Kyle Weinrib must be. “I must say, I’m taking a real shine to Kyle and how utterly incapable he is of fostering any sort of human connection that would pull him away from his work duties,” said Baresh, noting how blown away he was by Weinrib’s commitment to having no one in his life to share experiences with and distract him from completing monotonous tasks. “No happy hours, no dates—this guy’s the best employee I’ve got! He doesn’t even waste company time making small talk in the kitchen because he’s so socially inept.” At press time, Baresh had commended Weinrib, who was working late putting the finishing touches on his plans for an office shooting.
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