NEW BRAUNFELS, TX—Noting a significant increase in engagement and participation, psychologists confirmed Monday that local father Chris O’Neill was most present while encouraging his children to knock it off. “It was remarkable—instead of being distracted by outside intrusions like his phone or the television, Chris was 100% focused on his children during the brief moments when he enthusiastically advised them to ‘Shut up’ or ‘Quit being such a brat,’” said psychologist Andrea Watkins, adding that the 52-year-old father of two was more mindful, attentive, and active as a parent when threatening to put his 10-year-old and 7-year-old in time out, take away their screen time, or give them a good old-fashioned spanking than in virtually any other moment in their lives. “Overall, he made great eye contact, engaged in active listening, and communicated effectively that his boys were ‘acting like little shits’ and ‘getting on his last goddamn nerve.’ And when he said, ‘I swear to fucking God,’ and began to lunge at them, you could sense a real connection. You could tell he was taking a real genuine interest in parenting.” At press time, psychologists added that O’Neill also took an active role as a father while losing his patience, beating the shit out of his kids, and then threatening to whale on them even harder if their mom found out.
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