Pastor Tells Church Architect They’re Going For That Timeless ‘Late ’90s Shopping Mall’ Look

SAN BERNARDINO, CA — Local church Elevation Catalyst Conglomerate, formerly known as First Baptist, is reportedly building a brand new 5,000-seat church campus in San Bernardino. According to sources, the pastor has directed his architect to “go for that timeless, late-’90s shopping mall look” for the design.

“We want people to walk up to our church and immediately think, ‘Wow! I wonder if there is a Sam Goody or a KB Toys store in there!'” said Senior Community Experience Pastor Chez Doinkly to the firm designing the new building. “There’s something timeless and beautiful about a bland temple of consumerism from the height of American economic might. That’s what makes our target audience feel welcome.”

Sources confirmed the plans include a large steel building covered in vaguely brown faux stucco with large glass entrances on all sides in keeping with the finest shopping establishments of yesteryear.

“The oppressive blandness of our design will evoke the good old days of Wet-seal, Gadzooks, and Hot Topic while the welcoming church environment within will conjure up the warm feeling of getting a mani-pedi from an Israeli guy in a little vendor stand. While our visitors are reminiscing, we’ll snag ’em with the gospel. Foolproof!”

At publishing time, the church’s deacon board had sadly reported that due to budget limitations, they would only be able to build a large white steel box with the church’s cool logo on it.

As the country slowly increases in racism and right-wing bigotry, it’s important to ensure you don’t get caught up in their evil MAGA ways.

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