ANCHORAGE, AK—Stating that she had heard both perspectives and could understand their frustrations, marriage counselor Laurie Hartford reportedly told couple David and Julia Carter that she ultimately had to side with the hotter spouse. “So, I’ve listened to everything you’ve had to say, and I’ve come to the conclusion that while David does seem to be emotionally withholding, he’s also at least two points hotter,” said the therapist, who rushed to note that, in all fairness, she needed to take into consideration that she would at best describe the female half of the relationship “as, like, a six even on her best day.” “I’ve spent hours listening to you pour out your hearts and that’s never easy, so pat yourselves on the back. But, frankly, only one of you has bothered to comb your hair or put on a nice shirt at these sessions. I’m not in any way trying to invalidate your experiences. All I’m saying is that only one of you—David—has an ass that you could bounce a quarter off, and the other one is kind of an uggo, if that makes sense?” Hartford went on to say that it might be helpful if Julia stayed at home for their next sessions so that they could spend more time understanding where, exactly, David’s hotness came from.
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