MILWAUKEE—Promising to violate any and all personal space, the nation’s strangers held a press conference Tuesday to announce their plan to stand near you. “Whether it’s on the subway, in a coffee shop, at the bank, or in a park—we will closely hover around you and breathe on your neck,” said sources who asked not to be identified, noting that they will be only a few inches from your ear while they make wet noises with their lips. “Rest assured, we will take every opportunity to stand so close to you. Try to pretend we’re not there all you want, but you will be able to feel our awkward, anonymous presence behind you without even looking.” The nation’s strangers added that even if you tried to move away, another stranger would come to replace them at your side.
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