Bob Kraft: ‘We’re Already Searching Through Insane Asylums For A Possible Belichick Replacement’

FOXBOROUGH, MA—While paying tribute to the departing coach’s 24 seasons and six titles, New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft assured fans Thursday that the team was already searching through insane asylums for a possible Bill Belichick replacement. “Look, nobody is ever going to fill the hole that Bill’s leaving in the Patriots family, but I want everyone to know that we’re tirelessly visiting madhouses and sanatoriums looking for someone to lead us forward next season,” said Kraft, discussing one promising candidate at the Waltham Institute for the Criminally Insane whom he observed drawing out the X’s and O’s of a defensive play with his own feces. “I’ll admit that it’s going to be tough to find a coach with just the right combination of psychosis and malice, but I’m sure he’s out there somewhere, most likely in the dark corner of an isolated cell block filled with lunatics and violently unhinged killers. Frankly, I couldn’t be more excited to see what this team does in 2024.” At press time, Patriots management had gotten their hopes up about a prospect who gnawed off his own arm and then crawled onto the asylum’s ceiling before realizing that he lacked professional coaching experience.