CHICAGO, IL — In a historic move for the aviation industry, United Airlines proudly announced today that they have assembled the world’s first all-Dachshund flight crew. The groundbreaking decision, hailed as a triumph for diversity, was made as part of a bold initiative by United to promote an unprecedented level of inclusion in its company.
The all-Dachsund crew, manning a flight from Chicago to Dallas, served as an important milestone in the airline industry’s ongoing quest to simultaneously diversify its flight crews and create fear and trepidation among its customers.
“This is a momentous day,” said United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby. “We’ve always felt that the crew of an aircraft is intended to be a passenger’s best friend, and now we’ve officially entrusted this flight to man’s best friend. To the members of this history-making crew — Trixie, Biscuit, Rascal, Cucumber, Ralphie, and Spud — we salute you. Treats will be waiting for you at the gate when you reach your destination.”
Passengers booked on the crew’s maiden flight expressed a mixture of pride and unease. “I guess it’s a cool thing,” one passenger said. “I mean, these planes basically fly themselves these days, right? I’m a little worried they’ll eat all the snacks themselves and not provide the best customer service, but that’s not anything new. At least it’s not all women, so I don’t feel completely doomed.”
At publishing time, passengers had settled in and fastened their seatbelts for takeoff after the captain gave a welcome message and advised everyone on board that expected turbulence may lead to the flight being “rough, rough, rough.”
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