Researchers Predict First Person To Live To 150 Already Out There, Preying On Young Souls For Their Life Force

NEW YORK—In a major milestone for the field of longevity medicine, researchers at Columbia University’s Robert N. Butler Aging Center predicted Thursday that the first person to live to 150 years old was already out there, stalking the night and preying on young souls for their life force. “What’s remarkable is that recent advances in healthcare and genome editing suggest that the first person to live 15 decades has already been born and, in all likelihood, inhabits a dank subterranean den where they lurk in the shadows, waiting for a hapless child they can feast upon to sustain their eternal form,” said Professor Kevin Hardison, who noted that research using CRISPR technology indicates these future supercentenarians are likely walking among us right now and luring innocent children into dungeons to drain them of their youthful energy before discarding their emptied-out forms into a corner with all the other tiny skeletons. “Aging is no longer about growing weak and frail on some hospital bed. Instead, it’s about pretending you are weak so you can get a young nurse alone, tear off her head, and suck dry whatever precious energy remains in her spasming body. It’s incredible, the progress we’ve made.” Hardison added that his team predicted most of these near-immortal beings lived in the darkest corners of so-called “blue zones” like Iceland, Greece, and Japan.